Made in Styria - Improved in California: Ich über mich


Made in Styria - Improved in California

I participated in a Writing for the Web-workshop recently and one of the exercises was to write an exaggerated 'About Me' for my product/services website. The class was in German and therefore, so is the result. Let me know what you think! 

Mein Name ist Cornelia, aber seit der dritten Klasse Volksschule nennt mich jeder Connie, weil wir damals 'coole' englische Namen von unserer Englischlehrerin bekamen. Ich bin zu 100% aus steirischem Fleisch mit ungarischer Gewürzmischung hergestellt, jedoch wurde meine Fleischqualität unter der teilwiesen Aufsicht von Governeur Arnold Schwarzenegger über 10 Jahre lang in Kalifornien aufgebessert. Made in Styria - improved in California. Dort bekam ich auch das Qualitätssiegel der University of California-Los Angeles verliehen. Dieses Qualitätssiegel ist auch der Grund warum ich trotz meiner Kompaktheit im Hochpreissegment verkauft werde.

Neben meiner Expertise im zweisprachigen Texten und Übersetzten, sowie meiner Marketingschwulst biete ich noch folgende Zusatzleistungen an:
  1. Aufbau eines Abwehrsystems von Yogakursen
  2. Strategische Planung in der Vermeidung von Glimmstengelkonsumenten
  3. Basisplan für den Nestbau zur Behausung von heißen Knoten (siehe Blogeintrag: The Lump)
  4. Augentraining zur effektiven Erspähung von Katzenhaaren (inklusive auf Polstermöbel)
  5. Tipps und Tricks zum Überleben ohne Fleisch, Meeresfrüchte, Soja und Sorbit - es ist nicht einfach, aber es geht
  6. Bonusmaterial beinhaltet Erklärungen warum man wegen seiner Hausstaubmilbenallergie dauernd niesen muss und gleichzeitig dem Gegenüber versichert, dass sie eh ein sauberes Zuhause haben. 

Für eine zusätzliche Gebühr kann man noch einen Enchilada-Kochkurs buchen und die Top 10 der besten Ausreden, warum man es heute doch wieder nicht ins Fitnessstudio schafft erwerben zB. die Katze braucht mich; es läuft ein Shopping Queen Marathon; etc. Das Spektrum der Ausreden kann auf ihre individuellen Bedürfnisse zugeschneidert werden.

Mehr über mich unter: https://www.facebook.com/misseuroblogger/

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No one should ever have to appologize for their accomplishments

Image
Photo by John Fornander on Unsplash Naomi Osaka was robbed of which was probably one of the greatest moments in her career to date. She beat her idol in the U.S. Open but she didn't appear happy about. I got the feeling she didn't even dare to be happy when she claimed her prize and her trophy. While everyone is shifting blame for the anticlimactic victory of this young, talented tennis player to the supposedly overcritical umpire, I believe there are more people to blame: Carlos Ramos certainly played a role in contributing to the game turning sour by ticking off Serena Williams and consequently the crowd with is judgement calls. I don't know enough about tennis to know whether his ruling were wrong. Serena's coach Patrick Mouratoglou is another person we can point a finger at as he definitely, and later also admitted, coached her during the game. Serena also shares part of the blame in my opinion by making the event about her being treated unfairly. O
Read more

Looks, diets and bone removal

--> Life by the beach and in the movie capital of the world brought one additional factor into my life that would eventually take up more time of my daily life than I could ever have anticipated: body image – and the issues and maintenance that came with it. When I first moved to L.A., I couldn’t grasp why people cared so much about how they looked and all the effort they put into healthy eating habits. It seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. I was not going to let myself get influenced by the constant media propaganda of what women were supposed to look like. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. Perfect nails. Perfect body. To me, the women all looked the same – an exaggerated version of themselves somewhere between a Barbie and a blow-up doll. Big boobs, big lips, tight butt, tiny waist. I thought they were crazy, unoriginal and unauthentic. I soon learned that authenticity was not a concern for Angelinos. Fake was accepted and often even expected. However, over time, I starte
Read more